What Is Positive Effect

 

What is positive effect? Talking with your kids involves numerous communication skills. Some of the biggies are listening (without reacting) and then responding calmly based on what you heard them say. This is very different than the way most parents were raised. Basically, we weren't taught how to listen, only to talk-sometimes in very loud and angry ways, by reacting.

I met this amazing gentleman at a conference I attended several years ago. He was telling me about his eight-year-old daughter and his desire to have a closer relationship and bond with her. In discussing some of their interactions it became clear that he tended to react to her attempts at communication, rather than to respond. And, as a result, he was unwittingly creating disconnects with his daughter. So, I made some suggestions about how to stop and listen to what she had to say, rather than to immediately react with defensiveness, correction or anger.

What is positive effect? He wrote me a few months later and this is what he said:

I had a fantastic break-through with my daughter during a shopping trip. She picked up something in a store as we were shopping that I asked her not to touch. When I tried to discuss this with her, she became upset. Confused I asked why she was reacting that way, she wouldn't speak. I asked her again and told her that I promised I wouldn't interrupt her, and I was listening. Well, she opened and started to tell me how she is frustrated that no one believes that she can handle responsibility. She feels that she can't do anything right, and that when I talk to her at times, I make her feel stupid. This upset me as I’d no idea. When she stopped and looked at me, I simply said, "Thank you for talking to me. Do you feel better?" She said, "Yes," and then we went for an ice-cream and had a great afternoon. She came into my bedroom later that evening and said, "Thank you daddy for listening to me and the fun afternoon!’ I then received a lovely cuddle.

What is positive effect? By choosing to stop and listen rather than react, this mom affected her son and their relationship in several positive ways:

• He learned that he could talk to his mother without getting in trouble.

• She learned that if she stopped and listened, he would open up.

• He learned that his mother felt his feelings were important.

• She learned that her son had a lot of feelings bottled up inside that she hadn't even realized.

• He learned that his mother validated and understood him.

• She learned that her assumptions (e.g.--crying because he was in trouble) weren't always accurate.

• He learned that talking to her felt good.

• She learned that listening brought them closer together.

Think about it.  What a positive effect?  Rather than reacting you could respond in your relationship with your kids. When talking with your children, what could you learn if you would only stop and listen to what they truly had to say?

Dr. Vicki Panacci one has been called, "The World's Expert in Parenting," and "The Oprah Winfrey of Families." She is an internationally recognized psychologist, speaker, parent coach, media consultant, radio personality, prize-winning and best talking with your children on a meaningful level involves numerous communication skills. A couple of the biggies are listening (without reacting) and then responding calmly based on what you heard. This is very different than the way most parents were raised. Basically, we weren't taught how to truly listen, only to talk-sometimes in very loud and angry ways.

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